Lack social skills? Do you find it hard to make friends?
Well, your life is about to change.
For the worse.
The point of these horrible 1987 VHS tapes is to encourage shy teens to act like annoying dorks.
Both Show Off! How to Be Cool at Parties and Show Off! A Kid’s Guide to Being Cool feature “The Cosby Show” star Malcolm Jamal Warner and a handful of other obnoxious actors that faded away into obscurity decades ago.
- Bob “The Madman of Magic” Friedhoffer worked as an accountant for several years before he became a magician– and it shows.
- Actress Mel Gorham almost starred in Union Square— a sitcom loosely based on her own life– but was replaced with a younger, hotter Latin actress at the last minute.
- Fred Newman is the white, shitty version of the sound effects guy from the Police Academy films.
- Vigorously mediocre comedian / cruise ship entertainer Frankie Pace is perhaps best known for being bald.
Read on to discover 7 ways to “be cool.”
Spoiler: it’s all about SHOWING OFF!
1. “Now. Make a high pitched, nasal sound.”
If you’ve always wanted to learn how to make “high pitched, nasal” sounds but never figured out quite how it’s done, Fred Newman will show you how the pros do it.
2. Instantly turn an ordinary t-shirt and sweatband into an offensive racist costume.
This sweet party trick works every time because nothing is funnier or cooler than ignorance.
For extra cool points, scotch tape some empty 20 ounce soda bottles to your chest, run to the nearest crowded public area and scream out “Allahu akbar!”
3. Become an air piano maestro.
Forget air guitar. Air piano is where it’s at.
“You don’t need an instrument to play along with your favorite recordings. Just learn a few expressive moves, and let it rip. It’s great at parties!”
4. Lick the window.
A window can always be a little bit cleaner.
If you entertain your friends by wiping their windows with your face and tongue, you’ll not only win instant cool points– you’ll also save them a few bucks that they would have had to spend on Windex.
5. Play with scarves.
Teens love colorful scarves, because colorful scarves are so kewl.
You can do lots of rad things with colorful scarves, like throw them up in the air.
Whee! Yay! Yipee!
6. The Hawaiian nose hum.
Apparently all you need to do to be the life of a party is to rehash a few “cool” ethnic stereotypes.
7. You can do a lot of cool things with a flashlight.
Like… pretend to be a scary ghost!
Where did the makers of Show Off! come up with all these crazy party stunts? So wacky, so original.
8. Make a fish face.
“A fish face… is very good.”
Actually, no. A fish face is not very good. Especially not when you have teeth like this.
9. Malcolm breaks it down.
Over a cheesy sax solo at the end of Show Off! A Kid’s Guide to Being Cool, Malcolm explains the importance of being cool and showing off.
“Showing off is really a way of life. And it’s most fun when you’re showing off with your friends. And one of the best places I know to show off is at a party. Showing off in fact is about being the life of the party. You know you can show off with anything. You can even do it with… a piece of string!”
Well said, Malcolm.
10. After being cool at a party, it’s important to apologize for ruining it.
The only way to make amends: slam your own face into a door, repeatedly.
Feel cool yet?
The Show Off! instructional video series does not appear on Malcolm Warner’s Wikipedia page. That’s because the entire project was an embarrassing failure.
According to IMDb, after coming out with the Show Off! series, producer Patti Kaplan went on to create films with classy names like Porn 101: XXXtra Credit, G String Divas and The Orgasm Special: A Real Sex Xtra.
Despite the fact that it’s completely horrible, Show Off! is fun to watch. The acid washed jeans, over-acting, ancient computer graphics and cheap stage props are all so aggressively shitty that once you start watching you won’t be able to get enough coolness advice from 1986.
So, have you had enough coolness advice from Malcolm Jamal Warner and friends… or are you thirsty for more?
Unfortunately, the entire Show Off! A Kid’s Guide to Being Cool VHS tape is not available online.