A Guide To The Latest Superfoods

 

Nowadays, more and more people are finding ways to implement health into their lives: exercising, purchasing top of line mattresses for deeper, more restful sleep, and eating right. For the most part, finding healthy options is as easy as digging in your own distant cousin’s backyard!

Anyone can start a healthy diet at any time. All it takes is a little research, some time and, preferably, a Belgian nutritionist with a knack for improve. But to get you started in the right direction, I have compiled a list of the latest and greatest super-foods to spice up any dish, drink, or midnight dip in your neighbor’s fish pond.

1. Foot Odor Root

Don’t be discouraged by the name. Although F.O.R. tastes and smells how the title implies, the health benefits are guaranteed to overpower the odor. Phillip Chamberlain, a member of the testing group, fell asleep twenty seconds after ingesting the root and woke up seven minutes later with the ability to tell if a cat has a migraine. Also, the condition of his hair changed from dry and unruly to having a nice, even semi-gloss finish.

The benefits of the root can vary from person to person. Sometimes, supernatural abilities present themselves in its testers. Marsha Ernshaw bought a nickel’s worth of F.O.R. (which lasts just over a month if used correctly) and she found that, after the second week of use, she could speak with the spirit of President Taft. After several late night conversations, he suddenly confessed to washing himself with red wine vinegar. Since this encounter, Mrs. Ernshaw has purchased a two year supply of the root.

2. Tidlybit Seeds

These delectable seeds are sold by the 7/8 pound and are incredibly popular in Arkansas. Although men do use this superfood, they are primarily targeted toward the fairer sex. After smashing the seeds into a paste, the consumer must perform hand-crunches to release the necessary chemical for success. After fifty hand-crunches, one must mix the paste in an eighteen ounce glass with half and half and cranberry juice. The resulting concoction must be chugged within two minutes. After drinking it, the consumer experiences perpetual stimulation of the nipples for twelve minutes.

In a survey last year, 84 percent of the women who tried it loved it. The other 16 percent marked the “Confused” box. This might be due to the product packaging: recycled 25 cent toy machine containers, void of instructions. Nevertheless, you can’t beat those statistics.

3. Baby’s Fart

This plant is native only to South Dakota–specifically in the nose of Abraham Lincoln on Mt. Rushmore. Every year, specially trained harvesters parachute to the top of Mr. Lincoln’s head and climb down using only circus tumbling acts. Many harvesters have fallen from the President’s face, but they always manage to escape death. Some think the land is blessed, but others say it’s only Honest Abe looking out for anyone who cleans his nose from time to time.

The plant is named for the color of its flowers: white like talcum powder. Also, when the wind blows, the flower ejects white pollen and a flatulent sound.

For hundreds of years, people have enjoyed the benefits of this rare plant. Some have reported a rise in eye color, others have reported it to be a cure for compound fractures. Many have found it to be a tasty addition in chocolate-tomato soup. 100 percent of those that use it say they no longer fear wild chickens.

Though the benefits of this amazing super-food are astounding, a small percentage of the population is allergic to the plant. If ingested by a person who is allergic, Baby’s Fart can cause extreme discomfort. During testing, a man, who wishes to remain anonymous, experienced a decrease in skin silkiness. However, the majority of allergic people develop an unhealthy affection for Toucan Charles, Toucan Sam’s homeless cousin.

So, as you can see, there are plenty of healthy options out there. These three super-foods are just the tip of the cactus. New and exciting foods are discovered daily, and only some of them are edible, but that’s what testing is for. As stated before, any time is the right time to start a healthy lifestyle. Get out there and start today!

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